Last week, for Spring Break, I went back to my literal ancestral home for a few days. Seriously, my parents have lived in this house for 46 years this month. For my daughter, Mimi’s house might as well be Disney World. While we were there, Dad asked me to come out to the barn and go through some of my old stuff stored in the hayloft upstairs. He had located three large Rubbermaid tubs of various items I must have collected throughout the late 1990s, including my college career.
My family are noted pack-rats, but this really was a treasure trove. I found graduation cards from my fraternity brothers, Christmas cards from my hall mates in the dorm, and every cassette I ever owned. It was a fun little trip into the past, similar to when I found the Modern Rock cassette at McKay’s. The thing that really caught me was this one little scrap of paper I must have done when I did my summer internship at the National Science Foundation, or at least that seemed to be the general time frame.
My wife called it “found poetry,” which it certainly was having been buried in this bin for 25+ years. Best I can remember, I collected a series of disclaimer statements from somewhere on the early Internet, and twisted them around to form something quite different. I added a couple other statements of my own that I borrowed from other sources, but I thought it might be wise to record it here for posterity. I’ve done some light edits and left out a couple of especially nonsensical lines, but it’s otherwise a direct transcription. I particularly liked the bit about Windows 95, which gives you an idea of when this was written. Enjoy unless otherwise directed.
not-so-STANDARD DISCLAIMERS
Do not write below this line. No purchase necessary.
Colors may, in time, be too intense for some viewers.
For temporary relief of professional assistance.
Simulated for your protection.
Breaking seal results in disqualification.
In case of overdose, do not submerge.
No animals were harmed during office use.
Contains a substantial amount of anchovies unless otherwise specified.
Failure to sign and return this form may cause excitability.
All taxes are minor aches and pains.
Windows 95 is not fault-tolerant and is not designed, manufactured, or intended for use or resale as online control equipment.
Freshest if eaten before the ride has come to a complete stop.
This is not an offer to sell children for recreational use.
Contestants have been sanitized before the show.
Reproduction strictly prohibited. Children must be purely coincidental.
Slippery when Canadian.
Avoid responsibility while using this product.
If condition persists, first pull up, then pull down.
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For off-balance use only.
Substantial penalty for any resemblance to real persons, living or dead.
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Slightly higher west of Kenny Rogers.
Not responsible for any damages compensatory, direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, expressed, implied, approximate, alternate, optional, soft, dry, lint-free, well-ventilated, or otherwise resulting from defect, error, early withdrawal, typographical or printers errors, prompt delivery, or failure to perform.
Limited time offer; call now to ensure death, personal injury, or severe physical and environmental damage.
Use only in an area.
Keep away from solicitors, veterans, the American Red Cross, the driver, nuclear facilities, aircraft navigation or communication systems, the Mississippi, the Beatles, alcohol, dogs, or horses.
Replace with same type.
No shirt, no shoes, no dates.
Restaurant package; avoid contact with skin.
Call toll-free number while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
Driver does not carry alcoholic beverages, suitcases, user-serviceable parts, coins, air traffic control machines, passes, televisions, or flames.
Objects in mirror may be falling rocks.
Made from 100% contents.
Contact AT&T for list of nutrients.
Provided “as-is” without models over 18 years of age.
Safe and effective when wet.
Void where used as directed.
Batteries subject to change without notice.
Physician not included if mailed in this time zone.
In the operation of educational purposes, the winner may settle during shipment.
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You must be stamped in code before digging for recycled products.
Do not speak to dog until briefed on some questions which seem right for you.
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Place road label shown on any third party if seal is broken.
Failure of picture fade testing could lead directly to forwarding order.
Warranty of any kind subject to approval.
Some assembly required especially in technology edited for cash purposes.
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The views expressed above are solely those of the author and not those of the corporation, its employees, their families, their pets, the Pope, trustees, the United States, the manufacturers, or David Letterman.
